It Can’t Hurt To Ask.

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I find this trend of asking a celebrity to be your date for _____ kind of interesting. Both Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake have made good on their promises to appear on the arms of their respective Marines at their respective balls. More recently, another Marine up and asked Tila Tequila to be his date, which will certainly be a hot mess provided she doesn’t already have a date with a pole somewhere in Detroit that night.

Of course, it’s good publicity for a celebrity to accept these invitations. In the case of Timberlake and Kunis, I like to believe that they are also just genuinely goodhearted people (jury’s still out on Tequila). I think MORE regular folks should ask celebrities to do stuff. And don’t just invite them to your prom/cotillion/ball/whatever. Get creative!

Ask Angelina Jolie to bring the snack at your kid’s daycare on Tuesday. With six of her own, you can’t tell me that she doesn’t know her way around a box of Nilla Wafers.

Ask John Malkovich to call you at a mutually-agreed-upon time in the middle of a blind date. If the date’s going poorly, there is no better excuse to bail than to have Malkovich call you with URGENT BUSINESS. “God, I’m SO sorry. I really wanted to hear more about your Ayn Rand documentary, but…well…it’s just that John can be so NEEDY.”

Just now, I flashed on an image of Lemmy Kilmister standing in front of a Stop & Shop with the local Girl Scout troop, peddling Thin Mints and whatever they’re calling Samoas these days. Someone out there needs to make that happen.

But, you know, if it has to be a date situation, you’d do well to throw in some “special requests.” Get these people to jump through some hoops. Ask Sarah Palin to the prom, but also ask her to bring a pack of wine coolers and tell her you’d REALLY appreciate it if she crimped her hair. She should also be responsible for hiring a powder blue Lincoln Town Car, or – better yet – a hearse.

Be sincere with your request. Like the Great Pumpkin, a celebrity is only going to notice you if your patch is a humble one. So even if you have access to state-of-the-art equipment, you’d do well to film yourself with someone’s 3-year-old camera phone. Be demure, but give the impression of sexual voraciousness. Seem down-to-earth, but look like you also might have access to good drugs.

Enlist your friends to help you with your campaign. Make sure it goes viral. Whore yourself out via every means of social networking there is, even MySpace. Then, wait for that celebrity’s “people” to call.

Good luck.

Celebtwitties

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Since being back on Twitter, I’ve tried to keep it to monitoring news in the writing and publishing world, and interacting with a handful of friends.

But being the pop culture junkie that I am, I can’t help wandering off my feed and examining the greater vomitorium of TMI out there, largely provided by “celebrities.” To be fair, some of these famous Tweeters provide interesting, amusing commentary. Some of them are unintentionally amusing. And still others really ought not to be on the internet in any way, shape or form.

Let’s get this out of the way first – no, unlike the millions of other users, I am not following Charlie Sheen. I will not follow Charlie Sheen. With all due respect to those of you who ARE following Charlie Sheen, I don’t get it. He’s not at all interesting anymore, and I am pretty well-known in my circle of friends and acquaintances as being a fairly unapologetic watcher of trainwrecks. In fact, Charlie Sheen could take a lesson or two from Tila Tequila, who always manages to keep it fresh-yet-rancid with her unique blend of crazy. When not tweeting incessantly about various conspiracy theories and the Illuminati (and Ms. Tequila fancies herself something of an expert on the subject), she’s promising financial aid to single mothers in between twitpics of herself “performing” at clubs with names like Poles-R-Us. Amazing.

I DO follow Charlie’s brother, Emilio. He strikes me as a very grounded, clever fellow. He’s an excellent gardener, to boot, and shells his own peas (although he did also put his father to work in that regard…and tell me you don’t love the image of Martin Sheen sitting on Emilio’s porch shelling peas). What’s more – EMILIO ESTEVEZ FOLLOWED ME BACK. I don’t know what I did to deserve such an honor (he only follows about 30,000 other people), but the fact that he just might see this (once I share the link on my feed) fills me with schoolgirl giggles. Emilio, if you’re reading this – I love you, and I wish they’d make a Breakfast Club sequel where you’re married to Ally Sheedy’s character and living in an artists’ colony in Basin, Montana, making giclee and dandruff prints of wintery mountain scenes. I’d see it at least as many times as I’ve seen the first one.

George Takei is quite possibly the funniest person on Twitter, famous or not.

John Cusack will still block you if you criticize his spelling and/or grammar. He’s a douche.

Leann Rimes. How do I put this politely? Leann Rimes is horrible. Remember that button-nosed little cherub with Patsy Cline’s voice? My God, what a hosebeast harpy shrew she grew up to be. You will never see anyone prouder and giddier to have destroyed two marriages. And pity the foolish one who suggests that Leann might benefit from a couple of cases of Ensure. She EATS ALL THE TIME, okay? In fact, she will fill your feed with an itemized list of everything she’s eaten on her honeymoon with Eddie. Because she’s ALWAYS EATING. Like, CONSTANTLY. And then she’ll post a picture of herself in a bikini looking for all the world like a skeleton anatomical model festooned with kite string, and wait for someone else to express concern about her protruding hipbones, so she can respond thusly:

those are called abs not bones love.

I think this can safely go on the record as being the Stupidest Thing Ever Posted on Twitter. Well done, Leann! I had no idea that properly-toned abdominal muscles jutted out in perpendicular angles like, well, protruding hipbones. I feel so stupid now. Also, I’m apparently filled with envy, because usually after she’s done litanizing her meals and snacks, she posts stuff she’s lifted from The Quote Garden about jealousy. Because who wouldn’t be jealous, really? Yeah. Leann Rimes kind of sucks. I really need to stop looking at her page.

Barry Manilow needs to take control of his own Twitter page. I bet that guy is hilarious.

I follow Nikki Sixx. He takes amazing photographs. I wish Mick Mars would tweet more. Tommy Lee is insane. I don’t follow Vince Neil; I’m not sure why.

If you want to know everything about everything, follow Roger Ebert. He’s the perfect example of someone who really knows how to use Twitter to good effect. Paul Feig is a good read, although lately all he’s been doing is retweeting praise for his Bridesmaids movie. Rightfully so, but I’ll be sort of glad when all that dies down and he starts tweeting his own stuff again. I can’t bring myself to look at La Lohan’s page anymore; the denial there is just too depressing.

Beyond that, is Katy Perry worth following? Let me know…