Dear Suave:

I was in dire need of deodorant yesterday, and so I ducked into our neighborhood Rite Aid to pick some up. They lock up most of the deodorant there, except yours. Maybe there’s a lower incidence of theft there. Just saying. People don’t want to steal your deodorant as much as they want to steal, say, BAN. You may want to look into that. Anyhoodles…

So I bought your deodorant, because I just didn’t want to deal with finding a clerk and getting him or her to unlock the SUPER SECURE DEODORANT (EXCEPT FOR SUAVE) CASE, even though the folks that work at Rite Aid are unfailingly cheerful and polite. They really are. Like, at Walgreen’s they always look so miserable. And don’t get me started on CVS. Whenever I have to pick up my crazy meds there they treat me like I’m not only crazy, but stupid. “Are you SURE that’s the right dosage?” Actually, yes, I’m quite sure. I’m quite sure because I don’t want to leap over that counter, kick your shins, pull down all the shelving, and roll around in all those lovely drugs like a pig in the mud. I don’t want to do that because I’M ON THE RIGHT DOSAGE. Jesus. ANYWAY.

I just grabbed the first deodorant stick I saw. It wasn’t until I got home that I noticed what you’re calling it:

That’s kind of a lofty promise, is it not? I’m also not convinced that it’s entirely accurate. Who in your laboratory decided that “everlasting sunshine” smells like Jolly Ranchers and baby powder? I mean, it smells fine and all, but everlasting sunshine?

My friend Nettie has this deodorant that’s supposed to smell “energizing.” Yet she’s still feeling snoozy at 4:30 every afternoon.

I just don’t think it’s deodorant’s place to be making these kinds of promises. Deodorant’s job is to make us less smelly. Americans don’t like to smell bad. That’s a fact. It’s why deodorant is so popular. It’s so popular that people want to STEAL IT. Well, except yours. They don’t want to steal yours, and maybe it’s because you’re making promises you can’t deliver. Maybe it’s because everlasting sunshine doesn’t HAVE a smell. I realize that “Jolly Ranchers & Baby Powder” won’t fit on a label, but maybe you can call it something more accurate, like “Hyper Toddler.” Or “Sullen Tween.”

Just think about it, okay? I have faith that one day you’ll produce a theft-worthy deodorant.

Regards,
Lisa McColgan