Me: I had the weirdest dream before I woke up. We were moving back to Jamaica Plain, even though we still had the house here. I was upset about that, because I had taken so much time to make the living room look nice, PLUS I couldn’t figure out why we wanted to pay rent again on top of everything else, but you were like, “No. We’re moving back to J.P.” So we were packing, only we were packing EVERYTHING WE OWNED EVER, plus some of my sister’s stuff, and I was really upset, so you said, “We’ll go look at the new place and you’ll feel better.”
OK, so the house from the outside looked okay, only it turned out to be owned by one of the 13 Illuminati bloodlines, which freaked me out even though I don’t believe in all of that. It freaked me out that these rich, and possibly Satanic, people were going to be our landlords. So we get inside, and oh my God, it’s like something out of Middle Earth. It’s labyrinthine and dark and there are AT LEAST THREE KITCHENS. One of them had this old, decrepit oven and it was full of cob-webby chairs. One of them was this pristine, like, catering kitchen. And the other one was kind of normal, but I didn’t know which kitchen we could actually USE.
So the people who are supposed to be moving out are still there, which irked me, but I figured maybe one of them could tell me which kitchen I could use, but they were all these smelly hippie girls — and I’m not saying all hippie girls are smelly, okay? — and they’re all sitting around on piles of pillows braiding each other’s hair and I CAN’T GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER OUT OF ANY OF THEM. So finally I say, “Fine, where are the bedrooms?” and of them says, “Uh, it’s kind of one big room downstairs,” and I think, “Ew,” but then I think, well, hopefully all these girls will have packed up their filmy dresses and acoustic guitars and vacated by the time we move in, right?
So I’m heading down there, and one of the girls says, “Don’t disturb that SHRINE. We need that because there’s an ANGRY FAIRY that lives here.” And I’m going, “This house is haunted by Paul Lynde?” I’m KIDDING. Okay, I know they mean an ACTUAL ANGRY FAIRY. With wings.
You’re NOWHERE TO BE FOUND at this point, and I’m down in this one big room that’s full of hippie beds and there’s a giant hole in the wall that’s the entrance to this tunnel, and in there is a girl who’s telling fortunes, but she won’t tell mine because she’s tired because she works a second job at The Glass Slipper, which is closed. And I’m like, “Oh! I work for a theatre company; maybe you could get a job there.” So I’m trying to find one of my business cards, but my wallet is full of other people’s business cards, and she’s getting kind of huffy with me and I’m going, “Just wait….I KNOW I have one,” and that’s when I woke up.
And the first thing I thought when I woke up was: “I’m pretty sure I was just in my ACTUAL SUBCONSCIOUS.”
Coombsie: OK, I got really stressed out just listening to that.