It’s no secret among my nearest and dearest that I cannot stop watching the prolonged trainwreck that is Tila Tequila.

If you have no idea who I’m talking about, here’s a brief primer: she’s a former Playboy/Import Tuner model who inexplicably had, like, a billion friends on MySpace (remember MySpace, kiddies?) and a couple of MTV reality dating shows based on her alleged bisexuality. The general consensus among those in the “industry” is that Ms. Tequila, born Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen, is the opportunistic sort known as “gay for pay.” In other words – will this get me a show on MTV? OK, then, I’m bisexual! Yay!

On paper, she’s not at all interesting. You may be asking why I follow her antics at all. What I didn’t mention in the above paragraph is that Tila Tequila is also COMPLETELY BATSHIT INSANE.

To hear Tila tell it, nobody has endured more hardships and tragedy than she has. It’s sort of like that girl you knew in college who always had something worse happen than whatever happened to you, right? You’d mention you once were in a car accident, and she was not only in THREE car accidents, she also sustained grave injuries and had a childhood friend die in her arms. Tila is that girl. Tila has had numerous “pregnancies” and “miscarriages,” one of which she live-Tweeted just hours before getting on a plane to Australia to lip-sync her hit song “I Fucked The DJ” in a couple of bars. She had a brief “engagement” to socialite/heiress Casey Johnson, which ended when Johnson was found dead of diabetic ketoacidosis (Tila, never one to pass up an opportunity for publicity, romped around in her yard posing for pictures the next morning, looking kind of sad).

While this is all typical z-list celebrity fuckery, Tila really shines brighter than them all when she goes off on one of her Illuminati rants.

DISCLAIMER: Look, I know some people out there believe the Illuminati still exist and have control over everyone and everything, right down to what I had for breakfast this morning (Illuminati-os, fortified with extra vitamin MKULTRA). I know all about the 13 bloodlines and the Reptilians and the “greys” and all that other stuff that makes it so entertaining in the way that many things on the internet are entertaining. Like kittens, and kids on nitrous oxide, and people who analyze Lady Gaga videos for satanic symbols. And I know that as soon as I post this, some conspiracy theorist is gonna get all on my wick and tell me I’m blind/stupid/sheep-like for not taking it seriously. Hey, believe what you want; nobody’s stopping you. And, for that matter, nobody’s stopping Tila, either, despite what she’d have you believe.

Which brings me back to Tila Tequila’s Illuminati Revue. Every six months or so, she takes a little too much of something which may or may not be illegal, and goes on 12-hour internet benders, most of which go a little like this:

I don’t want to tell you all of what I know, right now, because they are watching. As a matter of fact, I had a huge battle with the others for a long time and I must admit, they are powerful. But there needs to be someone, anyone, to stand up against them and for world to be restored back into peace and harmony once again…You would be shocked if I told you which celebrity has the same bloodline as the devil God I wish I could tell you more…I for one, was sent on earth from God. To be one of his angels to try to help this world that is half white and half dark. There is right now a critical war between good and bad. I am on the good side, and that is why they’re always trying to get me.

I, for one, feel so much safer knowing that there is a merciful, benevolent God who so loves this world that he sent TILA TEQUILA to look after us.

Sometimes I have to pretend to act like a ‘BIMBO’ so they dont monitor my page. That’s an act. Im sorry but that’s the only way to get them to stop monitoring. Cuz when I start being myself and speaking the truth they come to monitor me. I learned the ONLY TIME they stop watching me is after about an hour of me posting mindless bimbo type status but thats my cover up. God now I’m paranoide agin.

Yeah, I couldn’t quite decipher that, either. Although “paranoide agin” has a nice ring to it.

And then, generally, these tweets/posts disappear within 24 hours and she hints that THEY made her take them down. And her fans go bonkers, like, ZOMG SO SCARY TILA UR SO BRAVE FOR EXPOSING TEH OTHERS!!1!

Just recently, Tila claimed to have had a brain aneurysm. Or, wait, no…it was an overdose. An overdose on pain medication because she was having an aneurysm. Something like that. But you and I know that it was really THE ILLUMINATI TRYING TO SHUT HER UP.

I find this whole thing hilarious for many reasons, not the least of which is the idea that of all the people out there hell-bent on exposing the Illuminati, it’s Tila Tequila that poses the most threat to their quest for world domination. Listen, if anything, the Illuminati is TOTALLY THRILLED that Tila is writing about them so much, because her crack rants make most sane, rational people LESS likely to believe in it. Say I’m in the Illuminati, getting ready to don my Sumerian robe and direct a Jay-Z video, and someone tells me Tila’s posted this:

This goes back waaaaaaaaaaay back from the beginning of time. Also where the bloodline starts, and up til this day, you would be SHOCKED to know who is in the same bloodline and cousins as who. For instance, Obama and George bush are actually in the same bloodline, as well as Prince Charles, Brad Pitt……….. shit I better stop now before I get shut down.

I’d be all, “Great! Keep at it, cray-cray!”

My theory? Tila doesn’t actually believe in ANY of this. She is carefully carving out a name for herself as “Hot Chick Who Writes About The Illuminati” (sort of like the Ann Coulter of the Conspiracy Theory Set) because she can’t get work anywhere else. Hey, it makes people pay attention to her, right?

Or it could be that she’s just batshit insane – a glorious fireworks display of crazy, viewed from the banks of the River Wackadoo.

I feel dirty now. Time to take about five showers.