A Birthday Message

Today, February 1st, is my Daddum’s birthday.  Everyone say, “Happy Birthday, Daddums!”  I know he reads this site; he often makes references to my “epistles.”

In honor of this stupendous occasion, I figured I would share with you all some of the words of wisdom he has imparted upon me and my siblings (and if I’ve forgotten any, I’m certain they will remind me). It goes a long way towards explaining why we’re “that way.”

  • “Oh, look, kids – a cemetery!  Did you know nobody living in this town can be buried there?  Why?  Because you have to be DEAD first.”
  • “What are you doing there – eating?  It’s not your turn to eat today.”
  • “Your mum’s suing the city of Avon Park…for building the sidewalks too close to her ass.”
  • “Who’s on the phone?  Ish Kabibble?”
  • “Christ, why do you always want to know how somebody died?  I’ll tell you how they died – LACK OF BREATH.”
  • “You goin’ to the movies?  No?  Then why’re you PICKIN’ YOUR SEAT?”
  • “Cat’s Crow-ho with mustard.” (in response to any inquiry about the day’s menu)
  • “Girls, get down here right now.  You got (dramatic pause) NINE MILLION PAIRS’A SHOES in this living room.”
  • “Because I said so.”
  • “That’s nice – how much was it?  That much?  You coulda got a NEW ONE for that.”
  • “Your mum and I have been happily married for ten years.  Which isn’t bad outta fifty.”
  • “Do the best you can for you.”
  • (regarding his empty plate)  “That…was TERRIBLE.”
  • (when the server arrives with the bill)  “Do you take cash?”
  • “Consider the source.”
  • “Jesus, McColgan, you’re a handsome devil.”

And you know what?  That last one’s not just arrogance.  Not to be weird or anything, but my Daddums IS a handsome devil:

Years ago, when I was in grade school, I made a card for my mother.  I drew a picture of Frankenstein on the front.  This was later used against me by one of the snottier girls in my class, “Well, at least I don’t put Frankenstein on things I’m giving to MY parents.”  And while I didn’t say it, I thought, “I feel sorry for you, because my parents love that stuff, and would never tell me that I was wrong, or weird, or bad, for being me.”  No family is perfect, and yet my parents were, and are, the perfect parents for ME.  Without their guidance, and humor, and mistakes, I wouldn’t be who I am.  The world needs more parents who are willing to LET their children be the “weird” ones, to allow them to fly their freak flags, and even assist with hoisting them higher, if need be.

Thanks, Daddums.  Happy Birthday, you handsome devil.

4 thoughts on “A Birthday Message

  1. Happy Birthday, Father Candy-Spy!
    I have to use the “pickin’ your seat” one.

    Also, kids are so fekkin’ strange. Of all the things to rib you about…”At least I don’t put Frankenstein on things I’m giving to my parents.” Yeah, really rolls of the tongue. You TELL her, girl!

  2. Happy Birthday, Mr. McColgan!

    You are truly awesome, and this is one great post as well.

    I still remember when Bill and I thought you were super dad, because you could benchpress 300 pounds and run marathons! It was such a unique combination. I use to think of you when I was trying to do the same thing later in life. I’d say, “If Mr. McColgan can bench press 300 pounds and run a marathon, I can too!” And that would keep me going.

    Have a great day!

    Mike Smart

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