2011 is over and done, but I didn’t want to sweep it under the carpet without adding my own 2011 List of Something-Or-Other, pop-culture wise.

I think this is the first full year I’ve managed to stay on Twitter without pulling the plug.  I’ve kept a pretty healthy distance from the drama queens, spambots, and attention whores…keeping more or less to the promise I made to myself to stick to publishing houses, authors, and other writerly concerns.  But who am I kidding, really?  The real entertainment is in following “celebrities” who A) truly seem to believe that everything they have to say is IMPORTANT, and B) seemingly don’t have some underpaid lackey checking their nuggets of wisdom before shooting them into the Twitterverse.  2011 was a special year for Dumb Celebrity Tweets.  To wit:

Nikki Sixx, on the unrealistic standards of beauty:  PEOPLE MAGAZINE MAKES A LIST OF “THE 100 MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE”. THAT THIS IS A STANDARD FOR YOUNG KIDS TO FOLLOW JUST MAKES ME SICK…..I HAVE MANY ISSUES WITH THIS..A LOT OF QUESTIONS ARE ANSWERED IN THE SONG “LIES OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE”.

First – note how he sets his outrage up to promote one of his songs. Isn’t that cute?

Look, it’s no secret among my nearest and dearest that I am a big fan of the Crüe.  I find them enormously entertaining.  But Nikki Sixx – while I admire his outspokenness on addiction issues and think he’s a marvelous photographer – can really be an insufferable dink sometimes.  Thanks for tossing us regular gals a bone, Sixx, but until I see you painting the town with someone like me, someone within ten years of your own age that might be carrying 10-15 extra pounds and still owns underwear dating to the latter half of the Bush administration, I just can’t take your pontificating anything like seriously.

Ashton Kutcher, demonstrating an inability to turn on the news before opening his twitmouth:  How do you fire Jo Pa?

I have no love for this asshat.  He’s the perfect example of Celebrities Who Think They’re Smarter Than You Because They’re Celebrities.  Before the days of Twitter, we didn’t have to hear so much about how very smart they are, how in tune they are with the latest news.  I believe that people like Ashton Kutcher should not be allowed anywhere near a means of “social networking” without a series of measurements put in place – not unlike a virtual obstacle course, if you will – to create a significant delay between their next brilliant thought and the ability to send it out.  I would also not rule out the possibility of a choke collar.

Tila Tequila, on attention whoring:  Ppl who whine & complain about how horrible their lives have been then take it out on others, I have absolutely no respect nor empathy for that because there are millions of ppl out there who suffer, but they choose to be SURVIVORS in life and try to stay POSITIVE!

I had to read that a few times, too.  Popping in on the feed for the former Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen is one of my guilty little secrets.  That’s why I can tell you that this particular statement is HILARIOUS, because when Tila Tequila is not breathlessly revealing her HUGE PLANS for world domination to her fans (who seem mostly to be Finnish teenagers, heavily medicated shut-ins, and people who use LOL in place of proper punctuation), she is the sovereign whiner of our epoch.  Girlfriend threatens to off herself online more than Sarah Palin sticks her foot in her mouth.  God, I hate that I know this.  Maybe I SHOULD quit Twitter again.