It Can’t Hurt To Ask.

I find this trend of asking a celebrity to be your date for _____ kind of interesting. Both Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake have made good on their promises to appear on the arms of their respective Marines at their respective balls. More recently, another Marine up and asked Tila Tequila to be his date, which will certainly be a hot mess provided she doesn’t already have a date with a pole somewhere in Detroit that night.

Of course, it’s good publicity for a celebrity to accept these invitations. In the case of Timberlake and Kunis, I like to believe that they are also just genuinely goodhearted people (jury’s still out on Tequila). I think MORE regular folks should ask celebrities to do stuff. And don’t just invite them to your prom/cotillion/ball/whatever. Get creative!

Ask Angelina Jolie to bring the snack at your kid’s daycare on Tuesday. With six of her own, you can’t tell me that she doesn’t know her way around a box of Nilla Wafers.

Ask John Malkovich to call you at a mutually-agreed-upon time in the middle of a blind date. If the date’s going poorly, there is no better excuse to bail than to have Malkovich call you with URGENT BUSINESS. “God, I’m SO sorry. I really wanted to hear more about your Ayn Rand documentary, but…well…it’s just that John can be so NEEDY.”

Just now, I flashed on an image of Lemmy Kilmister standing in front of a Stop & Shop with the local Girl Scout troop, peddling Thin Mints and whatever they’re calling Samoas these days. Someone out there needs to make that happen.

But, you know, if it has to be a date situation, you’d do well to throw in some “special requests.” Get these people to jump through some hoops. Ask Sarah Palin to the prom, but also ask her to bring a pack of wine coolers and tell her you’d REALLY appreciate it if she crimped her hair. She should also be responsible for hiring a powder blue Lincoln Town Car, or – better yet – a hearse.

Be sincere with your request. Like the Great Pumpkin, a celebrity is only going to notice you if your patch is a humble one. So even if you have access to state-of-the-art equipment, you’d do well to film yourself with someone’s 3-year-old camera phone. Be demure, but give the impression of sexual voraciousness. Seem down-to-earth, but look like you also might have access to good drugs.

Enlist your friends to help you with your campaign. Make sure it goes viral. Whore yourself out via every means of social networking there is, even MySpace. Then, wait for that celebrity’s “people” to call.

Good luck.

3 thoughts on “It Can’t Hurt To Ask.

  1. Lisa, this is a good essay, but I’m a bit disappointed in your ignorance of other religions. The Great Pumpkin respects a pumpkin patch which is sincere (which you mention), not humble (which is often connected to being sincere, but is not the same; a false humility would be seen as insincere) per se.

    I believe you can fix this error and not have it diminish your point at all or require much editing.

    • Dear Mr. Mackin –
      Thank you for contacting Your feedback is very important to us. I have passed your concerns along to our content manager, who will give this matter the most sincere attention.
      Meanwhile, please accept this voucher for you and a friend to visit again.
      Lisa McColgan
      Account Representative

  2. A Question for Ms. McColgen; what celebrity effort do you have in mind for Billy Mummy?

    Mrs. Frederick Francis Ciampi III

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