Always dress as though you’re going to run into an ex, or someone who was mean to you in junior high.

Ranting and screaming and namecalling isn’t “political discourse,” it’s telling everyone you have a shitty diaper and are unwilling or unable to change it yourself.  And I’m not singling out one party here, either.

My mother is probably the best driver I know.  She’s the best driver I know because she, in her words, drives “as though everyone else on the road is drunk, stupid, or clinically insane.”  This works for walking, too.

I don’t get people on Facebook who “like” a page dedicated to something that they DON’T like, just so they can mouth off about why they don’t like it.  It’s like crashing a birthday party, jumping on the table, and announcing to everyone that the birthday girl has a zit.  This morning someone posted on the page of a television show (of which I am a fan) something to the effect of:  “I have an intense desire to see you fail.  The only thing non-transparent about you is your pilot episode.  The worse you get, the more people like you.  I knew people like you in high school.  They never went anywhere, either.”  To which I say:  I knew people like YOU in high school.  They were the ones who sneered at everyone’s good time, because they liked such-and-such before it was cool, and they want to make sure that everyone knows it.  You haven’t grasped the fact that NOBODY CARES that you had the seven-inch pressed on blue vinyl of which there are only 500 copies.  Furthermore, you’re whining about “transparency” on a show ABOUT ZOMBIES.  Honey, get out of your mother’s basement and go get some fresh air.

If someone compliments you on something you’re wearing, the correct response is:  “Thank you.”   That’s it.  No going on about how it was on sale, how you think maybe it’s too tight around your ass, or that it’s from two seasons ago.  “Thank you.”  Give it a try.

See that basket over there?  The one with the sign that says:  “TAKE ONE”?  You are not obligated to take any, unless you’re an alcoholic, in which case you take at least three, whether you need them or not.

Here’s the thing:  I can joke about being a recovering alcoholic.  But generally I’m not real into non-alcoholic people making jokes about alcoholics.  It’s like one of the last things it’s okay to make jokes about, because it’s still considered some kind of moral weakness on the part of the afflicted person, rather than what it actually is.  You don’t make jokes about cancer, do you?  Untreated alcoholism is every bit as deadly.  And to those who think it’s about weakness, here’s something to think about:  You have a mosquito bite.  Don’t scratch it.  No – don’t scratch it.  What’s that?  You scratched it?  Tsk….you’re so WEAK.

That said, I also believe that once someone has accepted that he or she is an addict, that person has an obligation to do something about it.  And then, that person can make jokes and….oohhh, look – free refrigerator magnets!